Posted by Anonymous on 2014/11/10 under Uncategorized Death. death. death. death. I cannot stop thinking about death. Every morning when I wake up, I think of death. I ponder whether I want today to be the last day or not. It’s laziness to the extreme…I’d rather die than do my homework. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. But I want to live, at least until the end of the month to see him…then, maybe until the next time I see him…But I can’t understand what he’s thinking. But do I need to? I don’t even understand myself, how would I understand others? The meaning of life for me at the moment is to see you…and to listen to music, watch tv, eat chocolate, and surf the internet. Nothing else is worth it. It’s pathetic that entertainment is my point of life. But why not? It makes me happy. I can live how I want to. But I can’t…expectations high as mt.everst tower of me. I’m so afraid. I am a failure. I am a failure. I am a failure. fail. fail. fail. fail. fail. fail. fail. I’m supposed to be writing my english paper I already said was done…ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I want to die. I’m insane. I’m insane. But on the outside, I’m the good girl. I don’t have a boyfriend. I am the daughter of the teacher. I have perfect grades. And have had near-perfect grades. I failed. I don’t drink. I have people who look like good friends around me. I don’t go out with them anymore though, it’s too tiring. And they don’t ask anymore since they have boyfriends. Thank god. I think they kind of know that we all don’t like each other hahaha. I can only be myself when I’m alone…only then can I silently cry my stress away. Otherwise, I wear a mask with an eternal expression of neither happiness or sadness. But with you, I feel human…although we don’t talk much anymore… Next time we see each other, I promise myself, I am going to please you and myself, ahaha. I just want to see you…I’m sorry this last time, there were too many people around. Hopefully, I’ll last for a little while more. I want to talk to you about pleasant things and do pleasant things with you before I decide to die. Would you go on a vacation with me? How about a secret two week vacation to somewhere where no one would know us before we’re too old? We should decide a certain place and dates to make it more realistic. Then, I’ll live until then at least. I’ll probably keep on living like this. I think of death and wish for death every day but I still want to watch my show that’s on next week. I still enjoy my chocolate. lol. I can’t die until all the musicians, writers, and actors in the world die. Life is a living hell with moments of heaven. It’s better than nothing. Is what i keep on telling myself to stop myself. I love you. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say these words to you. Idk if I love you though sometimes.We really shouldn’t, aren’t allowed to be together you know. But thoughts of the fantasy vacation with you bring me the most happiness these days. I’m insane.
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I can’t say I know how you feel. But I have wanted death. Death. Until one day I met a girl, Soledad. Right then and there, for the first time in years, I felt so alive. Death was no longer an option. Life was worth it. Just to be alive, on earth with her was worth it. I know I will never be anything other than the kid in the background to her. She is an impossible dream, but I can’t help but try reaching that one distant dream. Don’t end your life. Live for the boy you love. Live because all death will bring you is more emptiness. Live.